I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
