mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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