Little spoons don't ask big questions
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
