One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
