So drunk its hurt
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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