In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I want to be your penis for a week.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
