My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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