I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
We need to get me chipped asap
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
