Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
