the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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