Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
