I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
