last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
