I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
So here I am, sexting at work.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
