Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
