im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
