Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
