then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
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