Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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