I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Randomize
