i wish my penis had a tongue
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
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