I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
