Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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