Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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