I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
