I accidentally burped into my bong.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
