Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
