I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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