just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
