So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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