Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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