in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
