There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
