he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
