just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
