he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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