FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
