no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
