A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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