I think I just saw someone hide a body.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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