i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
