that's an acceptable place to lick
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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