my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
