Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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