i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
