I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
