Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Never let your siblings swipe right.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
