Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
