thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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