Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
