so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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