I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Is Oprah even human
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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